10 year relationship, facing 3 years long distance.

2021.09.19 16:59 gunsma 10 year relationship, facing 3 years long distance.

Me (29F) and my boyfriend (29M) celebrated 10 years this summer.
We had our shares of long distance in those 10 years, the first was in 2015 when I went to school abroad for 6 months. The next time was when he moved to another town in 2016 for a year before I came to move after him.
I was severly depressed in that new town, being without my family and friends really tore me down and I even lost my job because of it. I got medication for anxiety but our relationship suffered since I always felt bad and almost never wanted to do anything. I was thinking about moving home all the time, but that meant "giving up" and I was also scared of our relationship not working long distance. In retrospect I wish I had moved back as soon as I got depressed.
With corona and all we lost our apartment and I moved back to my parents in my hometown last summer, and he found another apartment and stayed.
Out "plan" was for me to work, save up a lot of money and maybe move back to my boyfriend or to a whole new town. It wasnt concrete but at least it felt like our longdistance had an end not that far ahead of us and so it felt alright.
But this spring he told me he had very spontaneously applied for a school in another city. The education was 1 to 3 years and he said he would start for 1 year and see if he wanted to contuine one more or the whole 3.
I was taken by suprised since I guess our "plan" meant more to me than him. I think he didnt take it as serious as me since I have a history of talking about saving up money and then never even getting a job. So I wasnt mad or anything at him for wanting to try something new while he, I dont wanna say waited, but I guess waited for me.
He got in the school and moved there a month ago. When we celebrated 10 years I talked to him about my fears about us doing long distance etc. I also told him I was a bit dissapointed that he hadnt proposed to me when we celebrated. It feels silly but at the same time exchaning rings would make me feel a little bit more secure in our relationship when I knew it was gonna be hard from now on.
He told me he had been seriously thinking about proposing which made me feel better just knowing it was something he also wanted.
Some backround to my fear about long distance: our history doing long distance has basically been like this: he doesnt call as much as I want, he sometimes flat out ignores me when I message him for hours or even a day. He doesnt like talking on the phone that much and neither do I, but I rather talk for real than messages because I feel like it so easily can be misread, and I can feel like hes mad or doesnt want to talk to me when he is just "being himself" and not being talkative.
I tried setting my anxiety aside and telling myself that when he doesnt reply its him being busy making new friends, doing schoolstuff etc. But there was a weekend where he just straight up ignored me and then acted like nothing. I told him off and he said he didnt say anything because he knew I would be mad the I hadnt heard from him, which is just not logical and would make me even more upset and I explained that to him. He promised to call me more and he really have been, so I am glad that hes making that effort.
So hes been there for a month and told me he loves it and that he wants to go for 3 years.
So now I went from thinking we would be together again in maybe 1 year or less to 3 whole years.
And its not like I have any right to be mad about it. Hes doing his own thing and I know he is way happier now than he was at his old job in his old town.
I try to be happy for him but my anxiety is spiking again. 3 years of seeing eachother maybe once every couple months, him calling be because he feels like he has to.
I know he looses his feelings towards me when we are not together. Its just how he is and it fucking sucks and its the whole reason why I dont want to be long distance in the first place.
Im scared of him meeting all these new people that have things incommon with him, maybe getting crushes on some of them and just mainly thinking theyre more interesting than me.
Im scared he is going to find our old life together boring. Find me boring.
I hate that he has all this new stuff going on and im in my old town and just working.
I feel like his old ball of chain.
Basically: I know he loves me but that does not mean I feel it. I dont feel missed, and im not gonna say I know everything he is thinking but Im almost sure he doesnt miss me.
Im just sad everyday and I know what the replies are gonna be. "Break up, are you gonna be sad for 3 years?" But its too fucking hard to deal with that and if you been with someone as long as we have you probaly know that. He really is my other part and it hurts so fucking much.

TL;DR Im gonna have to be long distance for 3 years with my boyfriend and I have no idea how to deal with it
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2021.09.19 16:59 the_dude_abides3 From r/askablackperson

Trying to untangle my own mind, would love some honest responses Trigger Warning Mild Sexual Content* Extremely long and personal post
I am a gay white man entering a new stage in my life and I have found myself thinking about Black Men in an amorous, infatuated manner disproportionate to my prior inclinations. I know, it sounds like the ignorance parade is about to start, please just bear with me so you can decide for yourself whether or not I'm being subconsciously or semi-consciously racist, because that's what I'm worried about. Also this may get somewhat graphic for those with high-sensitivity towards sexual content.
I am not using the term African American in this post because in fairness, America has not cornered the market on attractive Men of African Descent, and I think it might be kinda jingoist for me to assume that the only Men I'm looking at are American.
I can't recall a point where I found Black Men particularly unattractive, they were just Guys. Some Hot, some not. Now, however, I have found that much of my internal focus of infatuated thoughts concerning Men's physicality continue to trend toward Black Men. In-between enjoying these thoughts I am struggling with several problematic ideas about this new mental trend of mine. These are some of the questions I am struggling with.
Is this me beginning to more fully appreciate beauty in Black skin or is this my mind fetishizing Blackness?
Am I trying to understand the black experience through loving a Black Man, am I experiencing colonizer brain, tokening Blackness as something to sexually experience, or am I just finding Black dudes hot because I've been unpacking a lot of emotional baggage and some internalized racism during quarantine? Is this a new expression of that internalized racism?
Am I being racially sensitive if I recognize and discomfited by the stereotypes in erotic entertainment portraying Black Men interacting with White Men? Or is it passively racist to engage with this material despite my discomfort because finding similar materials that better encapsulate a more legitimate reflection of the black experience is frustratingly hard to find and considering the systemic and consistent issues black people face every day might be too complex for porn?
Is the fact that I have these questions tumbling around my mind a good sign of checking my own mental state of privilege and lack of awareness in order to truly see Black Men as more than sex objects while still fantasizing about them, or am I feeling the need to justify my desires out of a semi-conscious sense of white guilt?
I could go into more detail, but after this point it would probably get even more graphic and I don't know much people on this subreddit want to hear.
These are the questions in my mind I do not have answers for and that continuously run laps around my brain. I would love a perspective other than my own on where I'm at. Cuz I honestly don't know. Contemplating the factor that much of the racism in our society (from what I understand) stems from a short-handing of a person's experience and semi-conscious pervasive cultural references that tokenize pretty much every non-cis-white-straight-male experience, I don't know if I even can find definitive answers to these questions, and if I ever do, every question might be answered with "yes to all of the above in different measures", but I figured it's worth it to try.
Please give me your honest opinions, criticisms, and hot-takes. I can't grow if I don't know.
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